The experience of having ECT has always been frightening for me, though – going through that door - repeatedly - to a place I can never really remember.
Covid and the words of illness
Back in 2020, I saw myself as something of a Covid resistance fighter. When Covid-19 first hit, my ward was converted into a Covid unit (admittedly not for the very ill), and, despite taking advised precautions, it’s hard to believe I managed then to avoid that nasty little virus. But I stayed well, and even…
Modern life and expectations
When I am lying in my comfortable bed at night, I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if I had been born, one hundred, five hundred, even one thousand years ago. And usually I breathe a sigh of relief that this is not the case, and turn over and go to sleep.…
Psychiatric beds
These wards contain so many people’s individual horrors, and there needs to be enough beds and enough people to carry all this and care for them. Otherwise we lose our humanity.
Being a psychiatrist – any regrets?
Becoming a psychiatrist was very important to me as a young doctor. As a patient, who had been in and out of a psychiatric hospital, it felt like a lost dream, something I could never hope to achieve. It is true that I had wanted to train as a psychiatrist before I became ill, but…
My family, my illness and me
My family never ask about my mental illness. They never ask how I am, whether I take medication, whether it works. I’ve no idea why, because I don’t ask them why they don’t, either. We’re not that kind of family. By family, I mean my birth family, the one in which I grew up. Of…
Normal lives in difficult times
There’s something about leading a normal life when terrible things are happening in the world that is very odd. We wake up, and we eat, and we go about our business. We feel horror at what is happening, and fear of what might be to come, but, for most of us, our lives simply continue.…
Petrol station flowers
Is Valentine’s Day a good thing? Or can it be harmful? Does it make people happy, or is it a celebration that we should consign to the past? I can only draw on my own experiences, which are sadly minimal, but I can and will extrapolate. When I think of Valentine’s Day, I immediately picture…
Birthday musings
Today is my birthday. I am a day older than I was yesterday, that’s all, certainly not a whole year older. So it’s odd that we worry so much about the increasing numbers that pop up every birthday to remind us of time passing. I never wanted to be older than I was – when…
Disempowerment in mental illness
The idea that a psychiatrist could feel disempowered by mental illness may well seem ridiculous. Even when that psychiatrist is also a psychiatric patient, the notion may raise an eyebrow or two, although I am well aware that my professional position can put me in a position of power. Perhaps this knowledge is what also…
Happy Christmas!
I’ve been waiting for an uplifting moment to write a post for Christmas 2021, but realistically it’s probably best just to get on with it. Otherwise it may be another year, and who knows what things will be like then? I think it’s fair to say that it’s not been the best of years, and…
Boredom and depression
There are many unbearable aspects to depression, and sometimes it seems that the words available just won’t do – awful, terrible, crushing. There are many more. This can be particularly hard with recurrent depression, as each time it is freshly grim, something you had previously forgotten, and it never helps when people say – You,…
Preparing for mental illness
How do you prepare for mental illness? I think it is exceedingly hard, and can often require the kind of confidence that is, by definition, missing in such circumstances. I have never managed to prepare well, by which I mean that I have no written plan as to what care I would prefer. The saddest…
Lumbago in middle age
The cushion of my desire is plump, and beckons boldly, waiting for my back to sink back softly into sleep, caressing gently. Reality is different. My feet press hardly on the lumpy seat, my bottom strains, against compressing pants that have and hold. My nerves fire pain from back to foot and back again that…
Return to work
How can things be better? This is a very general question, which doesn’t have much of an answer, so I realise I need to make it more specific. How can I reduce stress at work to enable me to carry on working in a useful way while avoiding becoming ill again? It’s a bit of…